Monday, October 27, 2014
Things went down on Friday. I'm not going to get into details about what exactly happened. I'm not going to name names. I will say a couple of things about it though.
What happens still doesn't seem real to me, yet I know they really did happen. I don't know if I anticipated it, or if I knew something in advance. Maybe I felt something and was ignoring it. Maybe it really was out of the blue. I don't know. The more questions I ask, the fewer answers I figure out.
It's funny how all your plans can get washed away in a second. Weekend plans. Next week plans. Next month plans. Plans in February. All gone, in a split second. It's funny how I thought things were stable enough that plans could be made that far in advance.
It's strange how everything really does become a memory. I'll treasure those memories for the rest of my life, because I believe everything happens for a reason. I have the most beautiful memories and experiences, and I am grateful.
That doesn't mean I didn't cry Friday. My roommates, friends in other universities, and parents all watched me cry. Everything hurt. It felt like the floor dropped out from under me. I ate a lot of ice cream. You'll actually hear more about that ice cream later this week, if you stick around. A little part of me knew it was stupid to cry. A bigger part of me didn't care.
I spent Saturday night at a family friend's house. It wasn't far from here but it felt like a universe away from this college campus and these college people. At night is was so quiet my ears were ringing. I slept soundly for the first time in months.
This amazing family friend talked with me about what happened. We talked about the past, and growing up Chinese. We talked about her kids. We talked about my mother, who apparently is very good at catching mice and telling stories. We went to the grocery store and she bought me things, and I was so touched I almost cried. There are nice people in this world. Then there are people like this family friend, who I swear ought to be called family.
So, I'm healing.
Writing this blog post is healing. I don't know how badly I'll regret posting this on the internet, but I think it's important to keep it real. It's my blog, I can post whatever I want on it, darn it.
I'm going to listen to a couple of things that I was told on Friday. The most important one is that I need to make myself happy before worrying about other people. I haven't done that in ages. I'm not going to try to change myself for other people-- you like what you get, or you find someone else.
Most importantly though, I'm going to try to change things. If they work out I will let you know... it's actually quite related to blogging in a way. That's all I can say at the moment until things become clearer... which I'm sure they will, soon enough.
If you can't figure out what I'm talking about in this post, shoot me a tweet at @NatalesM and I'll fill you in.